I drove home in a daze. I honestly don't remember when I left or how I got there. The entire night is a blur - I remember leaving to go to the lab, even getting there. But once more people were there, the noise and the confusion.. It all goes blank. Just vague flashes of half-forgotten humour while I swam in the sea that my head had left for me.

I was cold and clammy by the end. That's how I knew it was time. Not just the swimming head or the confusion or the lack of function, but the physical signs. It's frightening, though, losing that ability to focus, to think, to act through it. Especially so much of your personal identity is caught up in the ability to think quickly and come to a conclusion.

All this after a week of being sick. That's the kicker; I was sick, and now I'm better. Not completely, but enough. Or not enough. But I can't afford it. Lost time I can't get back in a hectic semester nearing the end of my college career. It's so easy to just give up again. Drop the classes, go back to sleep for a month and wake up to give it another shot another semester down the line. But I don't want to do that. It's already happened before (under worse, and frankly unrecoverable circumstances my first semester) and I can't bear to let it happen again. There are people worse off doing more, why can't I?

I'm scared. That's the hardest thing to admit. It always seems to be. I like to pretend I'm a strong person, always making light in the face of adversity, soldiering forward, but the moment I lost that I'm so lost. The ability to keep looking forward. It always seems to come coupled with this fog, this lack of solid cognition, that comes in the wake of being ill, or when under a large amount of stress. But at that, even stress isn't usually enough. I break down sometimes, but usually I can just keep going. It's hard right now. Because of that, I'm scared. And because of so many things. Once you're afraid, or upset, it's easy to find more of it. Misery loves company, sure, but not in other people. Just in other things to be miserable about.

I don't know why I posted this, really. I just felt like I had to write it down for some reason.